Being the "Default Parent" Is Hard: Here's 8 Ways To Lighten The Load
You know the drill. You’re in the middle of something—maybe unloading the dishwasher, replying to an email, or just sitting down for the first time all day—when a tiny voice calls out:
"Mom, where’s my blue water bottle?"
"Mom, can you help me find my shoes?"
"Mom, what’s for dinner?"
Meanwhile, your partner is sitting right there. Fully capable. Fully available. But for some reason? You are the go-to for every lost item, every snack request, every last-minute school form that needs signing.
Welcome to life as the default parent. It’s a role so many moms carry, and while it can feel overwhelming and exhausting, it doesn’t have to. With the right mindset shifts, simple routines, and intentional strategies, you can make mom life feel lighter, easier, and way more enjoyable.
In this post, we’re breaking down what it really means to be the default parent, why most advice focuses on getting your partner to help more (and why that’s not the only solution), and seven powerful ways to lighten the mental load—no matter your circumstances. Let’s dive in.
What Does It Mean to Be the Default Parent?
If you’re reading this, chances are you already know. But for anyone who needs a definition—being the default parent means you’re the one who carries the majority of the mental and emotional load of parenting. You’re the one who remembers which kid needs to bring a library book back on Tuesday, when the pediatrician appointments are scheduled, and that the fridge is almost out of milk (again).
It’s not just about who does more (although that’s often the case). It’s about who remembers more, anticipates more, and manages more. It’s the invisible workload—the running mental checklist that never fully shuts off, even when you’re technically “off duty.”
The Mental Load of Being the Default Parent
This role seeps into every aspect of daily life. You’re the one your kids automatically call for in the middle of the night, the one school emails go to first, the one who knows where that one specific stuffed animal is hiding when it mysteriously goes missing. Even in homes where responsibilities are fairly balanced, the default parent is usually the one steering the ship.
And while this role comes with deep fulfillment—because let’s be honest, we love knowing what our kids need and being the one they rely on—it can also be exhausting. The constant decision-making, problem-solving, and mental juggling can drain your energy, leaving you running on fumes before the day has even begun.
The reality? Most of us don’t choose to be the default parent—it just happens.
Why Moms Typically End Up as the Default Parent
Ever wonder why, in so many families, moms naturally take on the role of the default parent? It’s not just a fluke—it’s a mix of biology, psychology, and deep-rooted social conditioning. But before we dive in, let’s get one thing straight: this isn’t about blame or resentment. It’s about understanding why this happens so often—so we can work with it instead of feeling like we’re constantly fighting against it.
The Biological & Psychological Piece
From the moment we become moms, our brains literally rewire themselves to be hyper-aware of our children’s needs. Studies show that pregnancy, birth, and even extended caregiving can increase activity in the parts of the brain responsible for empathy, emotional regulation, and anticipating our child’s needs. It’s why we wake up at the slightest noise from the baby monitor
while our partners sleep through a full-on toddler meltdown.
And beyond hormones and brain chemistry, there’s an instinctual drive to know our children inside and out. We track their sleep patterns, their favorite snacks, their latest obsession with dinosaurs—because we want to. It’s part of how we love them.
The Social Conditioning Factor
Of course, biology isn’t the whole story. Generations of traditional gender roles have shaped the way families operate, often placing moms in the role of the primary caregiver—whether or not she’s also working outside the home. Even in families where both parents strive for balance, the expectation (from society, extended family, and sometimes even ourselves) is that mom is the one who “just knows” what needs to be done.
From the first days of motherhood, we’re encouraged to be the ones who manage the details. Who remembers the class birthday party, buys the teacher gifts, and keeps track of everyone’s doctor appointments. And even when dads step up in big ways, moms often find themselves defaulting to this role simply because it’s been ingrained in us from the start.
But Is That Really a Bad Thing?
Here’s where the conversation often takes a negative turn. It’s easy to feel resentful when we’re carrying so much of the mental load. But what if, instead of seeing this role as just a burden, we saw it as a privilege?
Because as exhausting as it can be, there’s also something beautiful about being the one who knows. About being the safe place, the steady presence, the one who instinctively gets what our family needs.
That doesn’t mean we have to do everything alone or never ask for help. But reframing our role as the default parent can shift how we feel about it—so we’re not constantly fighting against a reality that, for many of us, isn’t likely to change anytime soon.
Which brings us to the next question… Is being the default parent really as bad as it seems?
Is Being the Default Parent Really That Bad?
If you listen to the conversations around being the default parent, you’ll hear the same narrative over and over: it’s exhausting, it’s unfair, it’s too much. And don’t get me wrong—carrying the bulk of the mental and emotional load is a lot. But I don’t actually think being the default parent is a bad thing. In fact, I love being the go-to parent.
Because the truth is, this is motherhood. We are biologically wired to nurture, to anticipate, to know what our kids need before they even say it. This is not some injustice we need to fight against—it’s a role that has existed since the beginning of time.
The Real Problem Isn’t the Mental Load—It’s the Expectations
The issue isn’t that we’re the ones who remember which sippy cup our toddler prefers or that we’re the ones scheduling doctor’s appointments. The real issue? Culture has set us up to believe that being the default parent is a burden.
We’re constantly fed the message that we should “bounce back,” juggle everything flawlessly, and somehow come out of motherhood unchanged. That we should be able to work, run a household, raise kids, stay fit, maintain friendships, and still have time for self-care—all without missing a beat. And that pressure? That’s what makes it feel impossible.
But when we stop fighting it—when we embrace that motherhood changes us, that being the default parent is part of the beauty of this role—it doesn’t feel so heavy. It feels natural. It feels right. And it can even feel deeply fulfilling.
That doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting. That doesn’t mean we don’t need help. Because let’s be real—no matter how rewarding it is, carrying the mental load day in and day out is draining.
And it’s no wonder that if you scroll through social media or do a quick Google search, most of the advice around being the default parent centers on one thing: getting your partner to take on more responsibility to lighten the load.
Why Most Advice Focuses on Getting Your Partner to Help More
If you search for ways to lighten the load of being the default parent, most of the advice boils down to one thing: Get your partner to do more.
The common solutions?
- Have an open conversation about the mental load.
- Split responsibilities more equally.
- Set boundaries and ask for what you need.
And honestly? That’s solid advice. If your partner is willing to step up when you bring these things to their attention, absolutely have those conversations. Sometimes, they genuinely don’t realize just how much you’re carrying until you spell it out.
But here’s the thing—even with the best communication, even with an incredibly supportive spouse, you will probably still carry more of the load. Not because they don’t care. Not because they’re lazy. But because, as moms, we are wired differently.
That’s why relying solely on your spouse to fix the mental load isn’t the answer. Yes, get them involved. Yes, ask for help where you can. But at the end of the day, the biggest difference will come from focusing on what you can control.
So first, let’s talk about how to have those conversations with your partner in a way that actually leads to change—and then dive into ways to lighten the load that have nothing to do with them at all.
How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sharing the Load
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the mental load, talking to your partner about it is important. But let’s be real—these conversations can be tricky. No one wants to feel like they’re being nagged, criticized, or guilt-tripped, and frustration can quickly turn what should be a productive conversation into a full-blown argument.
So how do you bring it up in a way that actually leads to change?
- Ditch the “you never” and “I always” statements. Instead of saying, “You never help with the kids” or “I have to do everything around here,” try framing it with, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and I could use more support in X, Y, or Z.” When the focus is on your feelings rather than their shortcomings, they’re less likely to get defensive.
- Be specific about what you need. Saying “I need more help” is vague. Saying “Could you handle bath time every night so I can get a break?” is clear and actionable.
- Ask for their input. Instead of just listing off tasks, ask “How do you think we could make this more balanced?” This makes them an active participant in the solution rather than just feeling like they’re being assigned chores.
- Acknowledge what they already do. Even if you’re carrying more of the load, chances are your partner contributes in ways that might not be on your radar. Recognizing their efforts—no matter how small—makes it easier for them to hear what you need.
- Give them the space to do things their way. If you ask for help and then micromanage every step, they’re going to check out. It might not get done exactly how you would do it, but does it really matter if the dishes don’t go in the dishwasher your way?
These conversations are an ongoing process, not a one-time fix. The goal isn’t to split everything down the middle—it’s to create a balance that feels better for both of you.
But Let’s Be Honest—You’re Likely Still Going to Carry More of the Load
Yes, 100%—get your spouse on board. Have the conversations. Ask for help. Set clear expectations. But here’s the thing… there is no amount of asking, begging, complaining, or nagging that will give you control over someone else. You can’t force your partner to take on more. You can’t make them care about the details the way you do.
And while some partners will hear you out and step up, the almost universal truth for most moms is this: much of the mental load may still fall on you.
And that’s okay.
Instead of wasting your energy feeling frustrated, resentful, or stuck in self-pity, acknowledge those emotions—process them—but don’t let them keep you spinning in circles. Those feelings won’t lighten your load.
What will make a difference? Focusing on what you can control.
Because while you might not be able to change how much your partner does, you can change the way you show up. And the things you do every day? They have a huge impact on how heavy the load actually feels.
So let’s dive into some specific things you can do to lighten the mental load—things that have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not your partner decides to help more.
8 Ways to Lighten the Mental Load (Regardless of Your Circumstances)
No matter what your circumstances are—whether you have a super involved partner, a partner who tries but still doesn’t quite get it, or you’re doing this solo—you have more power than you think when it comes to lightening the load.
And no, I don’t mean by simply “doing less.” Sure, that’s great when possible, but the reality is, most of what’s on your plate has to get done. The real key? Shifting how you approach it. How you think about it. How you structure your life to make it all feel lighter.
So let’s talk about the strategies that actually help reduce the mental and emotional weight of being the default parent—no begging, nagging, or waiting for someone else to step up required.
Ditch the Victim Mentality
It’s okay to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or even resentful about carrying the mental load—but staying stuck in those feelings only makes it heavier.
Instead of focusing on how unfair it is or wishing things were different, shift into problem-solving mode. Ask yourself: What is in my control? What can I change to make this easier? Reframing your role as the default parent from something that’s happening to you to something you own gives you back your power.
Be Mindful of the Content You Consume
If you’re constantly surrounded by messages about how motherhood is exhausting, thankless, and impossible, that’s exactly how it’s going to feel. Social media is full of content that reinforces the woe is me narrative, and while venting can be validating, it can also keep you stuck.
Start being intentional about what you consume. Unfollow the accounts that make you feel worse. Surround yourself with people and content that encourage, empower, and inspire you to take control of your experience. And most importantly, practice your own intentional thoughts that help you feel strong, capable, and even excited about motherhood.
Expand Your Capacity
Yes, being the default parent is hard—but the way you think about that challenge matters.
Instead of constantly thinking, This is too much. I can’t do it all, try reframing it: This is stretching me. I’m learning to handle more with ease. Stress and pressure feel different when you view them as something that’s building you rather than breaking you.
And just like strength training builds physical endurance, small, consistent efforts to expand your mental and emotional capacity make you more resilient over time.
Create Routines to Keep Your Home Tidy (Without It Feeling Like Another Job)
A messy, chaotic house adds so much unnecessary stress to your mental load—but trying to “stay on top of everything” without a system in place? That’s overwhelming.
The key is simple, repeatable routines that make tidying almost automatic. Things like:
- A five-minute reset before bed
- A laundry routine that keeps the piles from taking over
- A quick morning sweep of high-traffic areas
When you build small habits that fit into your day without draining you, keeping the house manageable stops feeling like such a burden.
Get Your Kitchen in Order—Because Food Is a Major Stressor
One of the most exhausting parts of being the default parent? Feeding everyone. Every day. Forever.
Having a system for food—meal planning, grocery shopping, and quick meal prep—removes a huge mental load from your plate. Stock your fridge with easy, nutrient-dense staples, create a loose meal structure (so you’re not reinventing dinner every night), and set up routines that make healthy eating easier.
The less time you spend thinking, What’s for dinner?, the more energy you have for everything else.
Take Care of Your Body—Because It Affects Everything
You can’t expect to feel calm, patient, or in control if you’re running on fumes. How you physically take care of yourself directly impacts your ability to handle stress.
- Blood sugar balance: Prioritize protein, healthy fats, and fiber—because if you’re constantly crashing, everything feels harder.
- Movement: You don’t have to spend hours at the gym, but daily movement (even a quick walk) boosts energy and mental clarity.
- Sleep optimization: If long, uninterrupted sleep isn’t happening, focus on quality—darken your room, limit blue light, and support deep rest however you can.
Taking care of your body isn’t a luxury. It’s the foundation that makes everything else feel more manageable.
Take Care of Your Mental and Emotional Health
Just like your body needs nourishment, so does your mind.
Find simple ways to reset and recharge: meditation, journaling, reading, stepping outside for fresh air, or even laughing at a comedy special. It doesn’t have to be time-consuming—it just has to be intentional.
When you prioritize even small moments of joy and peace, you show up as a more patient, present, and happier version of yourself.
Intentionally Choose Your Thoughts—Because Your Mindset Changes Everything
This is the thing that makes the biggest difference.
You can have the best routines, the most supportive partner, and the most organized systems—but if you constantly tell yourself that you’re drowning, that it’s all too much, that you’re exhausted and unsupported… that’s exactly how it will feel.
Instead, choose thoughts that serve you:
- I can handle this moment.
- I’m learning to navigate motherhood with more ease.
- This is hard, but I am capable.
Because at the end of the day, everything you want—peace, confidence, ease—starts in your mind.
A Gentle Note on Excuses
You might be reading through this list thinking: Yeah, sure, that might work for someone else, but…
"I don’t have time to cook."
"My family is just too messy."
"Easy for her to say—she probably has a super helpful husband."
"Self-care? Mental health? I barely have time to pee in peace."
Here’s the thing: making healthier, more supportive choices does take effort upfront—but it’s an investment. The time and energy you put in now will pay off in ways that make everything easier in the long run.
And in a lot of cases? You’re already doing the work—you’re just making different choices. You’re buying groceries and eating food one way or another. You’re cleaning your house one way or another. You’re thinking thoughts all day, every day, one way or another. You’re spending time scrolling your phone or watching Netflix one way or another.
Making changes doesn’t always mean adding more to your plate—it’s often just about choosing differently, even when it doesn’t feel great in the moment. So do yourself a favor: make a hard, no-excuses rule when dealing with yourself. Because at the end of the day, the choice is yours.
Feeling the Weight of Being the Default Parent? Here’s Your Next Step
I get it—being the default parent can feel overwhelming, frustrating, and just a lot. I’ve been there. But I’m also living proof that it doesn’t have to feel that way forever.
Because here’s the thing: I love being the default parent now. Not because I magically have more help or because I somehow have it all figured out, but because I’ve learned how to work with it instead of against it. I’ve created simple, repeatable systems that make mom life feel easier. I’ve made the mindset shifts that actually allow me to enjoy motherhood instead of feeling buried by it. And now? I love this role.
I want that for every mom. Because motherhood isn’t meant to feel like an endless to-do list or a constant struggle to keep up. It’s meant to be lived and loved.
But making changes starts with getting clear on where you’re at, where you want to go, and what needs to shift. That’s why I created the THAT Mom Clarity Calculator—a free tool to help you map out your vision, identify what’s keeping you stuck, and start creating a plan that actually lightens the mental load.
You don’t have to stay stuck in survival mode. You don’t have to feel like motherhood is something you’re just trying to get through. You can step into a version of mom life that feels lighter, easier, and a whole lot more fun—and it starts here.
