They Called You “Shy” as a Kid – But What If They Got It Wrong?

Were you always labeled ‘shy’ as a child? Did it feel like everyone around you wanted you to just ‘come out of your shell’?” I get it – those labels can stick like glue, making you question whether there’s something wrong with you.

But maybe….just maybe it wasn’t shyness after all. Perhaps you just fall on the sensitive end of the spectrum. And your little, underdeveloped nervous system didn’t know how to cope….so it froze. And the world decided that this meant you were just ‘shy.’ They slapped that label on you without a second thought, thinking it’s harmless. But as anyone who grew up being called ‘shy’ knows, having this label can actually have a pretty big impact on how you see yourself, how you navigate the world, and more. 

So I’m here to tell you  my friend, it’s time to reframe that label of shyness that’s seemed to be around for as long as you can remember, and recognize it for what it likely is: you simply have a more sensitive nervous system that needed a little more support. And even better, it’s time to take that sensitivity and transform it into your superpower, turning it from a source of self-doubt into a source of strength. 

Was I Really Shy? My Journey to Understanding Sensitivity

For as long as I can remember, I was called shy. By my parents, by teachers, by peers – anyone who crossed my path. It was as if “shy” was stamped on my forehead, shaping the way people perceived me and how I saw myself. Like most kids who get labeled this way, it was a source of constant shame and embarrassment.

The questions and comments were endless:

• "Why don’t you talk more?"
• "You’re so quiet!"
• "Come on, just say something!"

The pressure to perform, to speak up, to be the center of attention, or to participate in ways that felt wildly uncomfortable was relentless. And when I hesitated or declined, I often felt the sting of being ignored entirely—a potent mix of relief and dismay. It was as if my hesitation to participate was confirmation that I was the shy one, destined to live in the shadows.

Peeling Back the Layers of Shame

For years, I simply accepted it. “Shy” wasn’t just something I was called – it became part of my identity. I believed it was a deeply flawed part of me, something I had to live with.

But as I grew older, my life evolved. I began crafting a life that supported me, one aligned with my preferences and values. To my surprise, I found that I didn’t actually feel all that shy anymore. At first, I assumed it was some fluke or temporary phase, but eventually, I stopped identifying as shy altogether. It was liberating – like shedding a heavy layer of shame I’d carried for so long.

The Eye-Opening Moment of Recognition

And a final piece of understanding finally clicked into place when I stumbled across an article by the talented Brittany Chambers of Goodnight Moonchild. Her words in The Bar(re) Is Low struck a chord so deep it brought me to tears. Click here to read it…it is so beautifully written! And you can follow her on IG @goodnightmoonchild.

In the article, Brittany recounts her daughter’s ballet recital, describing how many of the 3- and 4-year-olds – practically babies, developmentally speaking – struggled in the unfamiliar, high-pressure environment. Without the support of a trusted adult to help regulate their nervous systems, these sensitive little ones froze. Their wide eyes and hesitant movements spoke volumes.

She contrasted this with her own daughter, whose nervous system thrived on the safety and reassurance Brittany provided simply by being there. This vivid description felt like a mirror to my childhood.

I realized I wasn’t shy; I was sensitive. I had an underdeveloped nervous system that needed co-regulation and support I didn’t always receive (despite having loving, well-intentioned parents). The overwhelm was too much, and shutting down became my way of coping.

A New Perspective on “Shyness”

As I reflect now, I can see that this isn’t just my story. So many of us—those a little slower to warm up, a little more cautious, a little more sensitive—were automatically labeled shy. And as labels often do, it began to shape our self-perception.

Realizing that I wasn’t inherently shy, but rather wired differently and in need of more support, was profoundly healing. It gave me permission to let go of the shame and step into a fuller, freer version of myself.

So, if you were that little kid labeled shy—or if you’re raising a child who others want to slap that label onto—this is for you. Maybe you, or they, just need a little extra support to feel safe. A steady hand to remind you it’s okay to be seen, heard, and take the world at your own pace.

But what does it even mean to be “shy”? And how does it differ from being sensitive? Let’s unpack the meaning behind these terms to better understand their impact.

What Does It Really Mean to Be “Shy”?

“Shy” is a word that gets thrown around so casually, but when you stop to think about it, its meaning is surprisingly slippery. Most people think of shyness as a reluctance to interact socially or a tendency to hang back in new or unfamiliar situations. It’s often described as a personality trait, something you are. But is it really?

Shyness Is a Feeling, Not a Fixed Trait

The truth is, shyness isn’t who you are—it’s something you feel. Feelings are fluid; they come and go, shifting with your environment, circumstances, and sense of safety. That nervous flutter in your stomach or the sudden urge to stay quiet in a crowd? Those are feelings of shyness. They aren’t permanent, and they don’t define you.

When we call someone shy, we’re often reducing a complex mix of emotions, environmental factors, and nervous system responses into a single, fixed label. It oversimplifies the reality of what’s happening beneath the surface. Often, what we call shyness is really a response to feeling overwhelmed, unsure, or unprepared—a momentary state, not a lifelong identity.

And yet, once someone is labeled “shy,” it has a way of sticking. It shapes how others see them, how they’re treated, and eventually, how they see themselves. This label becomes a box, one that can feel increasingly difficult to climb out of, even when the original feelings of shyness fade.

So, is shyness truly an inherent part of someone’s personality? Or is it simply the way we experience certain moments when we feel uncertain, exposed, or unsupported?

To better understand this, we need to take a closer look at sensitivity—the way some of us are naturally wired to feel the world more deeply and respond more intensely to the input around us. Let’s explore the science behind sensitivity and what it means for those who’ve been called “shy.”

The Science Behind Sensitivity: A Nervous System Tuned to Subtlety

Sensitivity isn’t just a feeling—it’s a biological reality. Research has shown that in humans and many other higher animals (like dogs, cats, horses, and primates) some individuals are wired to process the world more deeply. Their nervous systems respond more strongly to subtler stimuli, picking up on things others might overlook.

From an evolutionary perspective, this makes perfect sense. A group’s survival often depends on a mix of traits: some members are explorers, risk-takers, and quick to act. Others, the more sensitive individuals, are the watchers and listeners. They detect subtle changes in the environment—like shifts in weather, an approaching predator, or social tension within a group—giving their tribe or pack a vital early warning system.

This doesn’t mean sensitivity equates to fragility, weakness, or being “overly emotional”—misconceptions often unfairly associated with sensitive individuals. Instead, sensitivity is a heightened ability to perceive and respond. It can be a strength that allows for deeper attunement to details that might go unnoticed by others.

What Does Sensitivity Look Like? Highly Sensitive People or HSPs Defined

People with more sensitive nervous systems, often referred to as highly sensitive people  or HSPs, tend to notice:

• Moods and emotional shifts in others, even subtle ones.
• Environmental changes, like strong smells, bright lights, or temperature fluctuations.
• Internal sensations, such as shifts in blood sugar, hormone levels, or physical discomfort.
• Subtle patterns or nuances in art, music, or nature that evoke strong reactions.

While the term “highly sensitive person” might feel like another label, it can also be a tool for empowerment and understanding. Recognizing these traits helps sensitive individuals stop seeing themselves as “too much” or “too fragile” and instead as deeply attuned and uniquely equipped to navigate the world in their own way.

And this sensitivity takes on an even greater significance during early childhood.

The Developing Nervous System: Why Babies and Young Children Need Co-Regulation

Let’s talk about tiny humans for a second. Babies and young children come into this world with nervous systems that are, quite frankly, works in progress. They’re not born with the ability to regulate themselves the way adults can (and let’s be honest, even adults struggle with that sometimes). Instead, their nervous systems rely on the support of a trusted adult to help them process the world – especially when things feel overwhelming.

Here’s the science behind it: 

• The autonomic nervous system, which controls our fight, flight, freeze, or rest-and-digest responses, isn’t fully developed in babies and toddlers
• Their brains are still building the complex neural pathways needed to handle stress, process emotions, and self-soothe
• Until those pathways are mature, they depend on co-regulation—a fancy term for the way adults help kids calm down and feel safe by being present, soothing, and steady
• That means that tiny developing brains quite literally do not have the capabilities to calm down or return to a safe state without the help of a trusted adult
• So instead their brains and little nervous systems cope the beat way they know how – crying, yelling, freezing, shutting down, etc.

For kids with sensitive nervous systems, this co-regulation is even more important. Think of their systems as finely tuned instruments—able to pick up on subtle cues but also more easily overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, or big emotions. Without a calm adult to guide them through stressful moments, these little ones don’t yet have the tools to process what’s happening. Their brains do the best they can to cope, often defaulting to behaviors like freezing, crying, or shutting down altogether.

When this happens repeatedly—say, if a sensitive child doesn’t get the co-regulation they need in daycare, school, or even at home—it can start to shape their nervous system over time. The brain learns to adapt to stress by creating “shortcuts” that may look like shyness, avoidance, or even meltdowns. It’s not a choice; it’s biology. Their developing nervous systems are doing what they can to protect them.

How Co-Regulation Shapes a Child’s Future – Especially Those That Are Highly Sensitive 

Here’s the beautiful part: with consistent co-regulation, a sensitive child’s brain starts to learn that the world is a safe place. They realize they’re not alone in navigating big feelings or unfamiliar experiences. Over time, this builds resilience and helps those neural pathways mature, giving them the tools they need to self-regulate as they grow older.

So, the next time you see a little one hesitating at the edge of a crowded room or clinging to their parent’s leg, think of their nervous system as a delicate seedling. They don’t need to be pushed to “toughen up” or labeled as shy. They need a little shade, a gentle hand, and the reassurance that someone’s there to help them find their footing.

Understanding how sensitive nervous systems develop in early childhood sheds so much light on why many of us were labeled as shy. It wasn’t about being timid or inherently reserved—it was about learning to navigate a world that often felt too big and too fast for our tiny systems to handle alone. Now let’s look at what this means for those of us who grew up with those labels—and how we can rewrite that story for ourselves and the next generation.

The Weight of the “Shy” Label

If you grew up in a Westernized culture like the U.S. or Canada, chances are you’ve felt the sting of being labeled “shy.” It starts early—at school, on the playground, or during family gatherings. The word is often whispered as if it’s something to fix. “Oh, she’s just shy,” they say with a sympathetic smile, like shyness is a tragic flaw rather than a simple part of who you are.

In these cultures, traits like sensitivity, caution, and reservedness are often viewed as undesirable. The ideal seems to be a mix of fearless independence and unwavering boldness—like we’re all supposed to come out of the womb ready to crush TED Talks and network at happy hour. It’s not just unrealistic – it’s downright absurd.

Interestingly, this view of shyness and sensitivity isn’t universal. In many other cultures, being sensitive, observant, or reserved is seen as a strength. These traits are associated with thoughtfulness, deep connection, and wisdom. Take Japan, for example, where being quiet and considerate is often admired. Or Indigenous cultures, where listening and attuning to subtle shifts in the environment are essential survival skills and deeply respected.

But here’s the tricky part: when you’re repeatedly told you’re “too shy” or “too sensitive” in a culture that doesn’t value those traits, you start to believe something’s wrong with you. And those messages stick. They can shape how you see yourself and how you show up in the world.

Reframing Sensitivity

Yes, having a more sensitively wired nervous system comes with challenges. You might feel overwhelmed in noisy environments, struggle with strong smells, or pick up on emotional undercurrents others seem oblivious to. But here’s the thing: every trait has its shadow and its light. Just as sensitivity has its downsides, it also comes with incredible strengths.

When you lean into your sensitivity—when you accept the quirks and imperfections that come with it—you open the door to its hidden gifts. Sensitivity means you notice what others don’t. You have a heightened awareness of your surroundings, a deeper connection to your emotions, and an uncanny ability to tune into others. When harnessed, these qualities can become your superpower.

So, what if instead of fighting your sensitivity, you embraced it? What if you stopped seeing it as a weakness and started treating it like the unique edge it truly is? Let’s explore how to alchemize your sensitivity into a kind of badassery that even your loudest inner critic couldn’t deny.

Thriving as a Highly Sensitive Adult

Thriving as a highly sensitive adult starts with embracing your sensitivity instead of fighting it. It’s about recognizing that your heightened awareness and deep attunement to the world around you are gifts—not flaws. When you work with your sensitivity, rather than against it, you begin to create a life that aligns with who you truly are, one that feels fulfilling and supportive.

Living in alignment with your sensitivity means setting boundaries that protect your energy, cultivating relationships that nurture rather than drain you, and creating daily routines that ground and energize you. This isn’t just surviving—it’s thriving in a way that feels authentic, empowering….and dare I say, badass.

Wait, What? Sensitivity…Badass?

Yes, you read that right. Sensitivity can be badass. Here’s how: tapping into your natural traits as a highly sensitive person forces you to design a life that supports and sustains you. That’s no small feat. It means making intentional choices about how you spend your time, who you surround yourself with, and how you care for your body, mind, and soul.

This kind of intentional living is powerful—it’s the hallmark of someone who knows themselves deeply and isn’t afraid to honor their needs. And let’s be real: that level of self-awareness and self-respect? That’s badass. It’s a quiet strength that allows you to show up for yourself and the people you care about with clarity, confidence, and grace.

When you lean into your sensitivity, you discover it’s not a limitation but a superpower—a way of living that’s grounded in authenticity and purpose.

Harnessing your sensitivity as your superpower becomes even more profound when you’re a mom tasked with raising the next generation of little souls. By embracing your unique wiring, you’re not just thriving—you’re modeling for your children how to honor their own needs, embrace their strengths, and live with intention.

Leading the Way: How Alchemizing Your Sensitivity Sets a Positive Example for the Next Generation

Taking the steps to truly understand and harness your sensitivity—whether through self-care, boundary-setting, or mindset shifts—does more than just transform your own life. It sets a powerful example for your children, showing them that embracing who you are, including all your strengths and vulnerabilities, is not only acceptable but admirable. 

By nurturing your sensitivity, you empower your kids to embrace their own unique traits – helping them blossom into adults who are fully expressed, confident, and capable of taking care of themselves. You’re not just creating a life that supports you; you’re shaping a future where authenticity and emotional intelligence are celebrated. This ripple effect doesn’t just affect your family; it extends to your community and the world, making it a better place for everyone.

As a highly sensitive mom, you have the unique ability to recognize and nurture sensitivity in your children in ways that others might not. By understanding your own sensitivity, you can better understand and support your little ones as they grow, ensuring they feel safe and valued for who they are. This creates an environment where they can thrive—where being deeply attuned to themselves and others is the norm, not the exception. 

By embracing your sensitivity, you’re not just showing your children how to navigate life’s challenges; you’re gifting them the skills and confidence they need to lead fulfilled, empowered lives. This ripple effect makes the world a better place, one generation at a time.

If you’re reading that and thinking, “okay sure that sounds great and all…but I’m not even sure where to start when it comes to embracing my sensitivity let alone thriving”....don’t worry mama, I’ve got you covered.

Not Sure Exactly How To Thrive As A Highly Sensitive Mom? I've Got You Covered

Navigating motherhood as a highly sensitive person can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be a constant struggle. My entire body of work is dedicated to helping moms who fall on the sensitive end of the spectrum transform their sensitivity from a source of self-doubt into a powerful strength. I’m here to guide you in creating a life that honors your unique gifts and allows you to thrive—whether that means building foundational habits that help you feel confident, grounded, calm, and energetic….or mastering the art of handling life’s curveballs with grace and clarity.

No more feeling like that shy little girl who was pressured into being someone she wasn’t, or destined to live on the sidelines in everyone else’s shadows. It’s time to embrace your sensitivity, nurture it as a superpower, and build a life where you’re not just surviving, but truly thriving. This work isn’t just for you—it’s for your family and especially for your kids. 

When you take the steps to put in the work, you’re not only becoming the mom you’re meant to be, but you’re also shaping a future where your children can grow up confident in who they are and ready to contribute positively to the world. Let’s make sure they have the tools they need to thrive in their own lives and create a ripple effect that makes the world a better place, one generation at a time.

So if any of this resonates with you, a good place to start is by downloading my free guide: 5 Essential Habits Every HSP Mom Needs To Thrive. From one “shy” little girl to another….I can’t wait to get to know you better and see the ripple effect we can all have on the world as moms embracing our sensitivity!